I sit here writing this after having two weird, random and un predicted breakdowns to my partner this afternoon.My hormones have spiked completely out of control. I am now on WEEK THREE of an on again, off again period so you can only imagine the pain, exhaustion and mood swings I am having and my partner is putting up with.
The tears come from multiple places. One is from the hormones and I have zero idea on how to change or control this lol, tips would be appreciated.
Secondly is, I am so over feeling like this. This will mark the third year of knowing I have endo, and I couldn’t tell you how many years I have been putting up with it all without knowing I had endo. I am over feeling like crying 24/7, I am over being tired, I am over being pain, the list of ‘what I am over’ is never-ending.
Thirdly, I am in bloody pain, and this pain deserves tears.
Fourth, there is stuff that goes on in life that I push to the back and ignore because it’s easier left alone. And then I’m at home lying on the couch with cramps with all the time in the world to think and these problems all resurface at once making it feel like the end of the world (it’s not).
Fifth, I have had my bloody period (excuse the pun hehe) for THREE WEEKS! That’s enough to make anyone cry.
And then sixth, is the normal issues we face in life that are frustrating, money issues, bad skin, career decisions, family and friend problems, vanity problems, doctors bills, vet bills, phone bills, internet bills, bills bills bills (you get the point)
Mix allllllllll of these crappy points together plus others I have probably missed, and you have a sad exhausted Annie break down!
Now put a Boyfriend in the mix. The poor guy that has put up with all of this for over two years now. I continue to think about myself through these emotional breakdowns I have due to my illness, however often I forget about the effect it has on him.
The whirlwind life that comes with having endometriosis is exhausting we know that. But what about for those who date us? They have to witness us in pain, support us through our operations, pain therapy, appointments. Support and be part of the random diet phases we go through that we think will help but taste terrible. Help us with health decisions we have, and again, I could go on. However I seriously think the worst thing they have to deal with is the people we become when we are tired and our hormones spike and we can’t control it. Gosh I become ugly. I become a confused, unraveled mess.
Even talking about these breakdowns makes me want to cry again, I feel so bad for the poor guy for having to put up with me. I often feel as though he’s been dealt a shit hand in life and has ended up with a dud (so not the case because I am awesome, but we all have our weak thinking moments).
My illness affects my relationship in ways I cannot describe. There are nights spent in hospital until ridiculous hours of the morning yet he still goes to work at 6am, he’s never late, yet I get to sleep in. Yes I was the one in pain, but the pain he goes through hearing my screams of agony, letting me squeeze his hand to pieces whilst im in pain, running around after the nurses and doctors for me, showing me love and compassion and then getting up for work after 2 hours of sleep and slaving away with no complaints, whilst I get to rest and tell everyone about my sad story???
The amount of times he has had, and will have, to take full control of all the housework because my pains don’t allow me to do any. The constant meals he has to cook. And then forgiving me when I cannot eat them because I am so high off my prescription medication I think I may vomit. Continuously running around getting me pain killers. The uncomfortable doctors appointments we had to go through when they tried to tell me my pain was coming from a sexually transmitted disease. Multiple times. The stained washing he ignores to save my pride. Heating up my wheatbag 1000 times a day. Giving me hugs when I am needy of attention when I am down due to this illness.
The pity, which I hate anyway, is always given to me. What about the poor guy who sticks around with me through it all?
I need to more often show gratitude and thanks to my number one support. I need to get these hormone issues under control as I refuse to let my illness control my life let alone take over his.
I will not allow my illness to be the problem in our otherwise pretty much perfect relationship.
I need to learn how to say thankyou, even when I have had a good day and didn’t need his help.
I apologise for the lengthy post, my emotions are running high and I am actually forcing my self to stop typing haha. I am sure as you all can appreciate, I have not shared all the issues that are in our relationship due to my illness out of respect to my partner. He didn’t choose to lay his life out on the internet, I did. However this is still a massive insight into my life.
Love and Light