As you have probably noticed as of late, I’ve been quite MIA. I try really hard to be entirely honest and open with you all about me and my life so I feel as though this is a conversation I need to have with you all.
Lately I’ve found my self in a hole that I cannot seem to get out of. The hole is filled with mixed emotions and is effecting my energy and my outlook on life. I’m not clinically diagnosed with Depression as it’s never something I’ve gone to the doctors for. Ive always self sufficiently gotten myself back to “normal” in the past so have never wanted to speak to a doctor. Partly because there are memories and feelings I surpress and do not wish to discus or bring back up. Yes I understand that this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea or how they think I should deal with it, and I am not suggesting others do this either. It’s just worked for me always, so I will continue too self manage until I feel I no longer can.
Anyway, recently I have left a job, doubted myself, started exercising, lost motivation, felt extremely sad, hated leaving the house, had my Endo symptoms worsen, doubted myself again, hated the way I look, my first pet I loved passed away, I have second guessed everything I do, become confused with my path with All About Annie and honestly, the list truely could go on.
I havnt felt like I have been in a place where I can try and uplift everyone else when I can’t even face myself. Partly this is selfish I know, however I do not feel it would be authentic and true of me to post my usual “make today your b***h” posts when I can’t even do that myself.
I apologise that I havnt been replying to everyone’s messages and comments as of late. Its just that I don’t have the energy, the empathy or the right mindset to look after my own thoughts and self. So offering you ladies words of wisdom would not be as heartfelt and meaningful as it should be. Not reply to you guys has been a really hard thing for me to do. Because I hate that I’m falling into a category of yet another person who isn’t answering your questions. Because I truely want too, I just can’t right now.
I’ve tried to write blog post after blog post, however I can never manage to get past the first paragraph or so as I feel like I have a dirty little secret or something. Like I’m not being my true self. Not authentic at all.
I’ve had quite a few days where leaving my house even terrifies me and just getting out of bed is something I am proud of. The thought of having to go and do the groceries can take hours of convinicing myself that it is something I can and will achieve.
This post is so beyond terrifying that I cannot even put it into words. I have family, friends, old work colleagues, potential future business partners, haters, idols, WHOEVER following this page and to open myself up and share with you all thwy I have been not feeling ok is frikken daunting. However it comes from a place of trust, of care and of love and I truely feel it’s something that must be shared.
Depression, Anxiety, Mental Health and generally just feeling down are all NORMAL emotions and they are something that need to be discussed. These thoughts and feelings effect each of us so differently. To someone who has never experienced anything like this before, they will read this be utterly confused by the fact that I can’t leave my home. They will read it as, “she doesn’t want too as she feels sad”. When oh I wish that were so. It literally feels like I am over taken by a tidal wave of crippling emotion every time I even THINK about opening the front door.
I’ve never self harmed, I don’t want to die, I know I have a good life. I love those around me and know they love me too. Heck I even love me too lol. However even though I know how good I have it and I know I should be thankful, these are feelings I just cannot surpress. Part of these feelings I know come from my past which maybe I one day will share with you all. I do also believe part of this emotional roller coaster is due to my endo battle. Because god it makes me feel alone, like a chronic complainer and at times, even defeated.
Part of me is writing this is so you guys know and understand that I havnt forgotten about you all and that I Havnt given up on the All About Annie movement. Part of me is also doing it so you see that it’s ok to not be ok. And that hiding it from the world just makes it worse. Honestly opening up to everyone and saying “im not doing so well right now” is the best thing and will do you so much goodness. There is no part of me however that is writing this for sympathy, I’ve found sympathy always makes it worse as it then brings on feelings of guilt.
I guess you could almost say this is one of those “this is what depression looks like” posts.
I’m not sure how to end this post, or really what else I should say. I do however want to encourage everyone to share there true feelings. I also want people to say “yeah I suffer from depression, and what”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Life can be fucking hard sometimes man, it really really can. And when life throws curve ball after curve ball at you, I think it’s more than expected for you to crack!
When I was around 16 I got a tattoo that reads “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and I damn straight live by that. I overcome my battles and my demons time after time, I am so proud that I can stand up and share my story with thousands and be here to tell the tale. Overcoming these obstacles makes me stronger daily and I am proud to me. Depression, anxiety, endo, confusion, lonliness – whatever. I am proud to be me.
Hopefully sharing this with you guys makes me a bit brighter and I can begin to get back into being there for you all.
Lots of love and light.