Hey beautiful girls!
I write this post pool side from one the villas I’m staying in whilst in Bali. I’m having an absolutely amazing time! I can literally smell incense and see little gekos running around the place as we speak! It is so hot and I have got a killer tan and gotten some great inspiration for my business venture with All About Annie and had so much fun roaming the streets and doing a bit of partying hehe!
However something just popped up that even though is personal and special to my beliefs in a way, so many will be able to relate to this story! Even if not directly, you will be able to understand my emotions etc and would have most likely experienced these things in the past even in different circumstances.
I really only had one thing on my ‘have to do’ list. That was to visit a temple. I’m really spiritual and am into learning about different religions and beliefs. I’m an avid believer in meditation and sitting in silence and manifesting your thoughts and beliefs. This is what I wanted to do at a temple – learn, meditate and pray.
These temples however have rules and regulations. Like you have to have your legs & tummy covered, cannot go in when pregnant, cannot be menstruating, cannot be in pure and this is just to name a few.
So we had planned to go this temple tomorow, we booked our taxi driver and everything! I had just got over a severe case of Bali belly (insert sad face emoji) which of course then brought on my endo pains and was really happy to go and enjoy this experience after having a rough day or two.
I got home after a day of tanning, swimming, eating yummy food and shopping to discover I had started spotting. I didn’t even think about this effecting my temple journey the next day until a friend brought it to my attention. I had to walk out of the room because I was to embarrassed to show my emotions in front of everyone.
I jumped on one of the sun loungers by the pool and a few tears escaped my eyes. I was so god damn angry. I had been looking forward to this temple visit for months. I started to regret doing all the fun things I had done on the first few days and got really angry at myself for not completing the only thing on my to do list as soon as I arrived. I felt like a complete idiot for not taking advantage of my period free days. I was full of sadness that I couldn’t go and meditate and be alone with my thoughts in such a beautiful, spiritual and religious place. I wanted to pay my respects to the culture I was in and just really get invlolved with the religion.
I then no joke had to get over it because a bloody lizard the size of my forearm appeared and was like 5 meters away from me lol and that shook the tears from my body.
However now that I write this, I’m getting a little sad again. You guys know I try hard to push my self and all of you to stay positive and not let this illness get in the way of enjoying life or taking control of you. However in situations like these, how can we not feel defeated. If I didn’t have endo, I could have taken a bloody contraceptive pill to make sure I didn’t get my period while on holiday. I would know the date of which my period was to arrive to avoid a situation like this.
But because my uterus has a mind of its own, it’s impossible for me to plan around these things. We have no control of it whatsoever and always have our periods sprung on us at the worst of times. I literally have 2 days left of my holiday and have been here for like 7. So goddamn typical right?!
It really can be so infuriating when something has a complete control of your life like this. It’s like I am a prisoner inside my own body, right?!
I started to get a bit embarrassed too, because I know people won’t understand. The tears do come from disappointment of not being able to go the temple, of course. However they come from anger that I have held on to. Events like this bring up old experiences, feelings and emotions and just make you think of everything other time your body has let you down. You esteem gets low and begin to really get so mad with your body!
Anyway, we still are going to go to the temple just not going to go inside, which obviously isn’t what I wanted but il still get to experience some of what I wanted too and see the beautiful building from the outside.
I’m not going to let this event ruin my last to days in this beautiful villa soaking up the sun and eating delish food, however it is really hard to keep myself from getting low.
I’m lucky to have girls on this trip with me who understand, today I couldn’t even carry to bottles of water because I could feel my ovaries swelling every step I took so the girls took all my bags from me to help with the pains.
Lots of love and love