The following is a topic I have wanted to discuss for a while however for multiple reasons have not known how too. There are so many factors I have had to take into consideration however keeping this behind closed doors have made me feel un authentic and almost like a liar. I have been embarrassed and afraid.
When I was in my early teens, around the age of 15/16, I started socially smoking. Every now and then with a friend or when we were out at parties. Over the next few years it grew from a few times a month to a few times a week to an every day occurrence. I tried for a really long time to hide it from my parents (dumbest move when the stench is so strong lol) I remember hiding a packet in my room and my mum finding them, I told her they were my friends and she threw them in the bin (lol).
I have tried on multiple occasions to give up, at the end of last year I did really well and gave up for a couple months, however the sunny festive season got me. There were so many concerts, gigs and fun times with my friends, and I was too weak to say no. I told my self that after summer, I would go back to my new and improved non smoking lifestyle – fat joke that was.
Sometimes cigarettes feel like my friend. You will laugh at your phone whilst reading this if you are not addicted to nicotine. You will not understand what I mean unless you too have this secret. When I feel alone, stressed, sad, sore, depressed, angry – even happy – a cigarette always feels like it will make that emotion and feeling better.
I thought that by making this known I would loose followers or people would think I was a joke – how can someone who is trying to start a career and a community in the health sector smoke? How can I post these gym selfies and healthy recipes, yet smoke? I know, I get it. I question myself alllllllll the time. However, this nasty habit I cannot seem to break stems from an unhealthy lifestyle pre diagnosis – pre illness.
For those who know me, they will know they way I live life now is EXTREMELY different from how I did a few years ago. I was always at every party with a bottle of something in my hand. I loved to party, I lived for it. Drugs and alcohol and bad food every single weekend and sometimes during the week. I was such a party animal. I still enjoy to let my hair down and hit the d-floor every now and then, however since being diagnosed and taken this illness seriously I have changed a lot in my life and how I live it. I take my health seriously.
But come on, there are things we struggle to give up from our past life. I have given up SO MANY THINGS already to try to better myself. Smoking is just the last straggler and unfortunately proving to be the hardest.
I guess Im writing this post for numerous reasons really:
- To no longer feel as though I have an alter-ego or like I’m hiding anything from you all. To really show every colour of myself.
- To show that being vulnerable and letting secrets out is ok
- & to maybe help some of you come to terms and be “ok” with the things you are struggling to let go of pre diagnosis.
Look reality is, we try so god damn hard to be healthy. We eat our greens, we cut gluten and dairy and sugar. We try and get enough sleep and rest, we exercise, we meditate etc. etc. etc. However sometimes we do want to revert back to some old habits, or struggle (like myself) to give them up at all. And I don’t know about you, but for me, when this happens I feel like an idiot. I feel like I’m failing and like the rest of what I’m doing is a waste of time because of this one naughty habit I just cannot kick. However let me say something to you that I want you to really taken in and listen too.
This lifestyle takes time. The shock of removing so, so many things we are use to doing and love to do is crazy. Especially when attempting to do ALL at once. Ive
felt guilty for so long about continuing to smoke, but you know what – Fk it. Im healthy in all other aspects of the way I live my life and Im damn proud of
how far I have already come and am aware I still have little bit left on my path to go down. & thats ok!
I apologise to anyone who feels betrayed or as if I haven’t been authentic because of this. However as I said above, the fact that I smoke is embarrassing and something I have had to build up courage to share with you
all. Please know that if you too cannot kick an
unhealthy habit, its ok! these things take time, you will get there I promise.
Thanks for reading and again, I am sorry to anyone I have disappointed and hope you all will still love me <3
Love and light