In my mind 

In true All About Annie form, when I cannot sleep, when I feel low or when I’m in pain, I write.

Tonight it’s all three lol – why am I saying lol, it’s not actually funny. It’s sad and it’s horrible. My lower abdomen is cramping up, my vagina hurts and I swear to god my uterus is pushing its way out of my Fannie. I had to pause writing this for a few minutes due to my body tensing up and not being able to move due to my pains sky rocketing and paralysing me.

The pain in my ovaries feels although someone is hacking at them with a knife and is taking no mercy. It feels like someone has a hold of my uterus is turning it around and around like a Chinese burn. My vagina feels like it’s being stomped on and ripped apart. My lower back is stinging and numb. The pain is slowly crawling into my butt and I have a stabbbbbbbing excruciating pain in my rectum. My body is exhausted and aching. My brain is tired and sick of being in pain.

Can you imagine this, being in pain both mentally and physically all because your uterus decided to grow in places it doesn’t belong?
I feel physically sick from the pain. I feel annoying and like a bother. I feel useless and I feel as though I havnt slept in months.

This post is nothing. It’s just a vent and it’s a look at the emotional roller coaster called my life. It’s a post to make you realise that the thoughts, feelings (physical and emotional) and pain is normal and your not alone. I need to remind myself of this at times. Like now. While Kodi rests peacefully and I am up at midnight crying.

Do you know what it’s like to feel alone while you lay in bed next to the love of your life? Do you know what it’s like to want to scream at the top of your lungs from the pain your body puts you in but can’t. To lay awake until the time your meant to be waking up and starting a new day. To be alone with the pain while your in a room full of healthy people.

I am down to my last 3 pills of morphine, I have to decide wether tonight’s pain is worth taking a pill and turning that number into a 2 because no doctor will prescribe me more because the question my usage and don’t believe my pain is worth that quantity of medicating. Even though they can look back and see when I prescribed this stuff and how long I’ve made it last, they still question my motives.

See what happens. You are in absolute pain from your condition which then fucks with your mental state and makes you question and rememeber EVERYTHING that has to do with that damed thing.

What sucks even more, to me, is the fact that I couldn’t go to the gym tomorrow due to the lack of sleep last night (I got to bed at 6am this morning) taking over today’s agenda, and now I feel like the same will happen tomorrow. Or that I’ll be to sore to exercise. Or that I won’t be able to make my lunch date with my mum sister and nephews. Or I won’t be able to make it to work, the supermarket or make dinner. I need to wash my hair, will I even be able to complete that task??

The spiral is everlasting, can you tell.
On that note, I’ll leave. Thanks for letting me use this space to not only inform and help you guys, but to vent and help myself. Thanks for reading the thoughts of my messy mind and for being supportive when I too get sad and let my pain take over. You guys frikken rock.

Love and light



One thought on “In my mind 

  1. Sending you love and healing prayers Annie,
    This hit right at home for Me, I’m up for my third surgery in a couple months time. Luckily enough through all of this I was able to have my beautiful 9mo son, a blessing right? Yes! But then your pain returns, as each day goes by since giving birth it gets harder, it gets more painful, my temper is so short because I’m in pain all the time, now having to run around after a crawling babe when you can barely manage to look after yourself. Having the stress of who’s going to look after my baby while I’m recovering? Who’s going to look after Me?
    My mum lives in a complete different country and literally all my family live in Auckland and I’m in Christchurch.
    I woke up this morning asking the universe if I can barely cope now, what’s 10 years going to bring? In 20 years am I still going to be dealing with this got it disease? For the rest of my entire life? How? Why? Why Me? Why us? It’s so hard, yet you look fine on the outside. I feel like punching people when they tell me I look well and healthy. Well guess What! I’m fucking not.

    Feels a little better writing this to people who generally understand. Sorry for my big rant. You certainly help me personally so much since I’ve been following your story.

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