TW: Miscarriage

Sitting on the couch, with my hands slowly running over my bare belly. Soft fingers caressing the tiny bump that sat on my stomach. I could not wait to meet my jellybean, that’s what I called it. My little jellybean. Mine. I knew I was pregnant before I really knew. My dreams became so intense I woke up believing they were moments I had lived. Jellybean and I at the beach making sandcastles, jellybean crawled up on my lap watching tv on a Sunday morning as I brushed its hair across its face with one hand, a warm tea in the other.

 These moments felt so real. So, when the test came back positive, I was not shocked – but calm. I sat back softly in my chair as a small smile grew across my face. I looked down at my belly, my smile softened, and a soft breath of relief fell from my lips forming the words hello bean. I already knew my jellybean; we had become familiar with each other in my dreams. 

My love for my jellybean was so strong which at first, I thought was strange. I couldn’t understand how my little bean made my heart beat so strong yet make my mind feel so calm. I had not yet met my bean, but my soul yearned for its arrival, as soon as I knew my bean existed, I felt a piece of me missing from my side, like a best friend that no longer visited. 

I struggled to put my feelings into words when speaking out loud, and then it clicked. How could I not love someone who had taken home in my belly, who had chosen me as its mother – as its safe haven. Yet I couldn’t understand why I felt incomplete, there was this unfamiliar emotion running through my veins that I couldn’t shake. 

The day I lost my bean, I too lost the feeling of incompleteness. I now understood. Jellybean wasn’t meant to be mine forever, it was here for a moment to remind me of the kindness my heart held. That if I could love something, I had no yet touched with those soft hands, I could love everything within my reach. My jellybean fueled me with the softness too ride the emotions of my loss. I believe that I felt such strong love from my dreams because the universe knew I would never meet my bean, I didn’t deserve to feel loss, so I was gifted with the vivid realness of this love as compensation for my loss. 

I see my bean every day. In kindness between strangers in a parking lot, in kindness I choose over anger in unfriendly encounters. I met my jelly bean in my dreams and I will meet my jelly bean again. 

Annalise Harte

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