POST RELATIONSHIP WRITE UP

POST RELATIONSHIP WRITE UP

 

Hey ladies

 

If you follow me on Instagram and watch my stories, you would have been waiting for this. This already is so hard to write, and I haven’t even begun. Please forgive the miss-matchy, not flowing post lol. This is just really how my mind is. Here we go….

 

A few weeks ago, Kodi and I went our seperate ways (I know the date, however not wanting to risk looking like a crazy gal I’m going to keep specifics to myself). It was and has been one of the hardest things I have had been through. It came out of no where and really, really took me by surprise. Although Kods made the call, I did 100% agree with the decision.

 

Our futures sadly are no longer aligning. What I want for myself, unfortunately are things he doesn’t see for himself.  We never fought, our here and there disagreements were handled with adult conversations. We made each other laugh and pushed each other to reach our goals. I really cannot think of any issues/problems etc that we had in our relationship. However sadly in life, sometimes love is not enough.

 

We are still on great terms. There is no bad blood at all. Yeah we cried when it happened but there was no arguing, not hate and no ill wishes. I still want the world for Kodi, wether that is with or without me. He’s a great guy and is destined for greatness. I still cannot wait to see where life takes him.

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As Kodi and I are no longer together, I feel as though it is unfair on him to go into more detail then the above. He didn’t choose to share his life on the internet and I will continue to respect that. What I will say is, I don’t think this love will ever die. Friends or partners, that boy is my soul mate in some form.

 

Now, what I do want to talk about, is me. How I’ve handled myself and the situation. I received so many messages within minutes of sharing my breakup with the All About Annie community. Messages of love, wisdom and support. But also messages from girls who have just broken up with a long term partner, who are going through divorces, or who are unhappy in their current situation however do not have the courage to end it. This post is for you, its not for the people from my home town who I know will be reading this to be nosey and send screenshots/links to their girls in group chat (thats right, I see you). This post is too give confidence & support to those who are going through similar situations.

 

Unfortunately like 2 hours after we had the discussion, I had to go to work. That was SOOOO frikken hard. Like literally the worst. I have to wear makeup cos I wear in a nightclub so I piled on waterproof mascara and slathered my face in setting spray. I made it to work and then cried within 2 mins of my work bestie Sophie arriving. After that I had a few mini meltdowns where a tear or two would escape my eyes. However once we got busy it was nice to distract my mind and have to concentrate on my job. One of my bosses said I could go home but I couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting at home alone, crying and feeling sad. Although being at work was such a drag it was good to be surrounded by people.

 

I moved out into my parents house the next day. No matter how good your parents house is (mine is like amazing, so is their cooking) its still your parents house. After being independent for over 2 years, coming back here has been one of the hardest parts for me. I feel like a kid and like I’ve lost independence. My mum and Craig are amazing however its just not my home anymore, I feel like I lost that too when moving out from the house Kodi and I shared.

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Our friends are like exactly the same. we have a few that are just individually ours, however a good bulk of our friends are all intertwined, we have already bumped into each other at a Christmas Eve party and at a festival. Given there is no bad blood we were able to talk and give each other a hug which I feel lucky to have.

 

Everyone likes to offer advice, however no one gets it. No matter wether they have dealt with a similar situation before. They don’t understand as every relationship is different, as is they way you deal with emotions. Im not a huge crier, I hate talking about myself and my problems. Sitting down and talking about my issues is like hell to me. Im a very closed off private person (weird considering I do this haha)  so everyone trying to be Oprah is something I really struggle with. My closest friends and fam know that unless I bring it up, not to talk about it.

 

Ive honestly handled this situation a lot better than those around me, plus myself, ever thought I would. It has helped that we have been so busy at work since this happened, I’ve been occupied and busy so its stopped my mind from wandering. Plus it helps that we are like a big crazy family at the bar so I’ve constantly been surrounded by really good friends. I think that both of those things are so important. To keep physically and mentally busy, and to surround your self with people who have endless love for you.

 

Im not gonna lie, even though I’m doing great, Ive had moments. The other night the radio played like 10 breakup/heartbreak songs which stabbed me right in the feels. I turned it up as loud as it would go and sung my heart out between tears. It felt like a stupid scene in a movie but my god did it feel good to scream, sing and cry lol. I cried when I didn’t go down the turn off to my old road after work, I cried when I dropped my dog off for Kodi to look after. I haven’t dared to go through my phone and look at my photos. However I have changed his contact name in my phone and awell as the display/background photo.

 

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The first week I lost 5kg, had no appetite, my smoking habit just about doubled and I could not sleep. My voice was extremely mono tone and expressionless. I cut my hair. I didn’t want to be alone, but also wanted nothing more than my own space. I wanted to text him every second, I refrained. I wished I had known his passwords to snoop –  never ever would do or did do that to him, but it didn’t stop the feeling of wanting to look at his shit to see if he left me for someone else. My mind made up crazy scenarios in my head.

 

THIS IS NORMAL – IT IS OK TO FEEL CRAZY – TO GO CRAZY! YOUR LIFE HAS COMPLETLEY FLIPPED 180 – BEING NUTS IS EXPECTED!

 

This is what I keep telling myself overtime I let a lil emotion out. Because I normally keep my feelings hidden, I feel extra mental whenever I let my guard down and let the tears fall. I have to remind myself that my life has changed drastically. The person I thought I was born to be with is no longer a part of my every day life. & wether we are on good terms or not, there is still a mourning process I have to go through and a lot of choices I must make. I need to learn to be independent and responsible for myself again.

 

Haha but honestly, one of the worst things is thinking of dating??!?!?!?!? EW! I do not want to go on another first date, I do not want to explain what Endometriosis is to a clueless guy. I don’t want to have to weed through a bunch of idiots to find another Prince Charming. Ugh I honestly am dreading this stage haha.

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Girls who are going through a heartbreak, I’m not gonna tell you when your gonna feel better or how to handle your situation. Im just gonna tell you that you are beautiful, you deserve the world, your couldn’t have done anything more than you did, and one day, I’m not sure when, but one day, your skip will return your step.

 

Lots of Love as always,

 

Annie

xxx

 

 

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Sleep Deprived from Anxiety? Try these Tips

Sleep Deprived from Anxiety? Try these Tips

Hey Beauties

 

I yet again want to touch on the forbidden ‘D’ word. You know, the one that is shunned. The one that people shy away from, that they squince their eyes at and get all agitated by. Thats right, Depression. I want to talk about how this ruins so many things. Including something that is so important yet over looked. How it ruins my sleep.

 

It comes in different shapes and forms. Some can function and do everyday tasks whilst others cannot make it a step out of bed. Each case is just as sad, scary and daunting for the individual that is suffering as well as those around the poor soul.

 

I am very open about the paths I walk down and the horrors that I at times face. I am writing this post from my lounge, it is currently 1.31am. Why am I awake? Well the hours I work (9pm-3am) definitely do not help. However thats not what has me alert and busy in the early hours of the morning. My issue is being alone with my thoughts.

 

I recently opened up about my smoking habit. Well, I just stepped outside for one – trying to keep myself busy with a cup of tea. However when I got outside I realised my phone was on 1%. I instantly got nervous as I sat outside,  scared to be alone with the absolute silence by myself. See I use to appreciate the silent night, the sound of the crashing waves I am lucky to have at my front door, the sky being the only thing to grab my attention. Actually, I still sometimes do. But for some god forsaken reason, this is sometimes my biggest fear.

 

As I have gotten older this has become worse. Now I’m not sure if this is due to the demons I have faced or because my mind has become wiser however non the less, it is an issue I face.

 

I often am so, so tired however find myself still tossing and turning. Its gotten to the point lately where I seriously need to distract myself until I am beyond exhausted to have any chance of having a peaceful sleep. Isn’t that sad?

 

I know a few of you will sympathise with me, simply because you walk the same path. You will understand how painful it is to lay there, praying for a break, wanting to get some rest. Both sleep and from your thoughts.

 

Im not sure if this is depression, anxiety or just down right not fair, however I wanted to share with you a few steps that at times, do make it a little bit better.

 

 

Artemis Deep Sleep Tea

Now I’m not 100% sure if this is a placebo effect, however it usually helps lol. I usually make a pot and consume it at least half an hour before tucking myself into bed. The tea contains a bunch of ingredients, they either help with sleep, reducing sleep and worry. Other properties that help with adrenal support, an overworked nervous system (winning) and that relieves tension disorders. Click here to purchase your own.

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Breathing

Yeah I know, may sound obvious, but did you know they WAY you breathe can help to calm you down and rest your mind, which then in turn rests the body. I was a yoga feign for a while and am a bit of a hippie so I’m all into meditation etc. Something I picked up from the above was breathing, and concentrating on the breathe to calm the mind.

I like to lay down, counting my breathes with one hand on my stomach to feel it rising and falling. Then, once I am on a calmer state and got a rhythm going, I then start counting.

Breathe IN 1-2-3-4

HOLD 1-2

Breathe OUT 1-2-3-4

HOLD 1-2 

Please note the above is just an indicative and you should follow the above as guide to a pace and count you feel comfortable. This should not all feel strenuous or make you feel more panicked then before due to loss of breathe or hyperventilation.

 

 

Counting Sheep

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K don’t laugh lol, it seriously works. Now I don’t actually lay there and imagine sheep jumping over a fence, counting them as they go by. But, what I do do (hehe) is count. From number 1 until I drift off. How does this work? Mind over matter baby. Your mindstarts to concentrate on the numbers and counting rather than whats worrying you.

 

 

 

 

Exercise

Apart from the obvious, tiring yourself out from working your booty off so damn hard, it also promotes a thing called the Circadian Rhythm, or in normal lingo – The Body Clock. This helps determine our sleep pattern. It also release the happy hormone in our body which helps fight depression and anxiety.

 

Put the Digital Devices Down

This is something ill admit I’m shocking at. However, watching tv, playing on your laptop, phone, tablet etc. The reason being is a thing called “blue light“. Blue Light disrupts the Melatonin your body produces. This is a hormone that gets you to sleep. Now by suppressing this from late night Instagram stalking, we are disrupting the sleep cycle which makes it harder/takes longer for us to get to sleep.

 

Now these are just a few tips and tricks for how I attempt to silence my mind. No they do not always work, but hey – at least we try right?

I am hope your mind gives you a break ladies, I truly truly do.

 

Lots of love and light.

A

xx

L . O . V . E

L . O . V . E

Hey sweeties

 

Something random and off topic, however something that as been playing on my mind lately. As I’ve said before, this website is a place for others to find relief and harmony with the Endometriosis journey, however it at times, plays as like a personal diary for me too. A place I feel comfortable to share my thoughts with you all. Its like my safe place. I don’t feel judged, I always feel lifted and I enjoy sharing my crazy opinions, beliefs and thoughts with you.

 

So anyway, love has been on my mind. Im not really sure why. Maybe I am PMS-ing like frikken crazy or maybe I’m more of a girly girl than I thought. Regardless of the case, Love is on me mind and its made me wanna talk about it.

 

The power of Love is amazing and can make you do stupid things. You defend those you love till death, even if they have done something stupid and don’t agree with them at all. You get up early in the morning, after only a few hours sleep, do make your darling partner a morning coffee before work. You help your mum weed the garden. You fight so hard that you cry. You do things you could NEVER imagine yourself doing, just to make someone else happy, alllllllll in the name of Love.

 

Now this said Love, why is this word only used to describe the way we feel about other people? Or a really frikken cute handbag? Why do we not wakeup in the morning, look in the mirror and smile whilst saying to ourselves “wow your easy to love”. WHY IS THIS NOT A THING!?

 

I posted something the other day on my Instagram account, actually – I’m gonna be corny and post it below cos I really loved it and hope you will too  –

Love blog post

Amazing right? I think its perfect. As someone who quite recently was a teenage girl and probably is often still classed as one, I know HOW HARD it is to be a teen with confidence. Gosh, even being a young adult with confidence can be hard. I understand however sympathise with woman (and males, shoutout to you too) who strive to have endless amounts of self love and confidence yet get knocked down by there peers and society for being “cocky, up themselves, full of it or a b***c”.

 

As a teen I got this endlessly. As we all are, I’m blessed in multiple areas of life, and people who saw this as a weakness use to pull me apart from it. When I was around 11 I started a new school. A group of “cool girls” kept walking past and telling me I was pretty.  Its as if my young, sweet mind could read through the BS and I felt so uncomfortable, I went home and told mum and she laughed and told me that if they are not saying it out of kindness, then they are jealous – and so they should be! She told me that if they keep saying these words to smile and tell them that I knew I was. So I did.

 

For WEEKs on end, these girls would pester me telling me the same sentence “your pretty” for me to continue with the same reply ” I know” just to hear there evil sounding sniggers. They thought it was absolutely hilarious to talk so positively and proud of myself. Now kids can be evil so I don’t hold a grudge (I’m quite good at that lol) but every girl, old or young, should be able to scream from the rooftops how much she loves herself and the pride she holds for herself!

 

But this starts from us – who is going to understand, appreciate and accept this love if we don’t speak to with truth and power? I know I wouldn’t. It goes back to the whole “to talk the talk, walk the walk” rambling we hear. Show your self how much you Love you!

love blog post xx

 

This stems into so many areas too girl, talk kindly to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for eating that donut, because my girl, they are yum and you probably deserved the treat 🙂 don’t get angry when you put on a bit of weight. Don’t hurt yourself out of sadness and pain. Learn who YOU are as a person outside of your partner, friends and family. Learn who to cook for yourself, to think on your feet. Eat something green. E X C E R S I S E ! it doesn’t have to be strenuous, just get outside and walk my love! Get out in that sunshine, I swear to god that warm on your back is a remedy all on its own!

 

All of these will assist you in having the pure happiness and Love for you.

 

Too many of us fall in to the trap of looking down and tell ourselves how unhappy we are with our looks, our lives. We think about how “Sarah” has a better wardrobe and how her mans has an eight pack. We get envious of the friend who has her sh** together and owns a house and has 5 startup companies. We want to look like the insta famous babe.

 

This jealousy, hatred and evil, vicious thinking causes so much harm internally. Start singing praise my darlings, start seeing the beauty.

 

Ill admit, I’m a lonnnnnng ass way from being at the “eternal love” status, but I try. Which is most important.

 

Im assuming that you are just done with my 1am ramblings, so even though this is something I wish to continue, I may save the rest of my tired thoughts for a P2. Also, this is something I need to change, in order for better business but also something to better the self love journey, I never re read my blogs. Only when typing, I hardly ever go back through to even make sure they make sense. I just tyyyyyyype and post lol. So bad.

 

Anywho, thanks darlings.

 

Lots of love

A

x

In my mind 

In my mind 

In true All About Annie form, when I cannot sleep, when I feel low or when I’m in pain, I write.

Tonight it’s all three lol – why am I saying lol, it’s not actually funny. It’s sad and it’s horrible. My lower abdomen is cramping up, my vagina hurts and I swear to god my uterus is pushing its way out of my Fannie. I had to pause writing this for a few minutes due to my body tensing up and not being able to move due to my pains sky rocketing and paralysing me.


The pain in my ovaries feels although someone is hacking at them with a knife and is taking no mercy. It feels like someone has a hold of my uterus is turning it around and around like a Chinese burn. My vagina feels like it’s being stomped on and ripped apart. My lower back is stinging and numb. The pain is slowly crawling into my butt and I have a stabbbbbbbing excruciating pain in my rectum. My body is exhausted and aching. My brain is tired and sick of being in pain.

Can you imagine this, being in pain both mentally and physically all because your uterus decided to grow in places it doesn’t belong?
I feel physically sick from the pain. I feel annoying and like a bother. I feel useless and I feel as though I havnt slept in months.

This post is nothing. It’s just a vent and it’s a look at the emotional roller coaster called my life. It’s a post to make you realise that the thoughts, feelings (physical and emotional) and pain is normal and your not alone. I need to remind myself of this at times. Like now. While Kodi rests peacefully and I am up at midnight crying.


Do you know what it’s like to feel alone while you lay in bed next to the love of your life? Do you know what it’s like to want to scream at the top of your lungs from the pain your body puts you in but can’t. To lay awake until the time your meant to be waking up and starting a new day. To be alone with the pain while your in a room full of healthy people.

I am down to my last 3 pills of morphine, I have to decide wether tonight’s pain is worth taking a pill and turning that number into a 2 because no doctor will prescribe me more because the question my usage and don’t believe my pain is worth that quantity of medicating. Even though they can look back and see when I prescribed this stuff and how long I’ve made it last, they still question my motives.

See what happens. You are in absolute pain from your condition which then fucks with your mental state and makes you question and rememeber EVERYTHING that has to do with that damed thing.


What sucks even more, to me, is the fact that I couldn’t go to the gym tomorrow due to the lack of sleep last night (I got to bed at 6am this morning) taking over today’s agenda, and now I feel like the same will happen tomorrow. Or that I’ll be to sore to exercise. Or that I won’t be able to make my lunch date with my mum sister and nephews. Or I won’t be able to make it to work, the supermarket or make dinner. I need to wash my hair, will I even be able to complete that task??

The spiral is everlasting, can you tell.
On that note, I’ll leave. Thanks for letting me use this space to not only inform and help you guys, but to vent and help myself. Thanks for reading the thoughts of my messy mind and for being supportive when I too get sad and let my pain take over. You guys frikken rock.

Love and light

A

xxx