If you follow me on Instagram and watch my stories, you would have been waiting for this. This already is so hard to write, and I haven’t even begun. Please forgive the miss-matchy, not flowing post lol. This is just really how my mind is. Here we go….
A few weeks ago, Kodi and I went our seperate ways (I know the date, however not wanting to risk looking like a crazy gal I’m going to keep specifics to myself). It was and has been one of the hardest things I have had been through. It came out of no where and really, really took me by surprise. Although Kods made the call, I did 100% agree with the decision.
Our futures sadly are no longer aligning. What I want for myself, unfortunately are things he doesn’t see for himself. We never fought, our here and there disagreements were handled with adult conversations. We made each other laugh and pushed each other to reach our goals. I really cannot think of any issues/problems etc that we had in our relationship. However sadly in life, sometimes love is not enough.
We are still on great terms. There is no bad blood at all. Yeah we cried when it happened but there was no arguing, not hate and no ill wishes. I still want the world for Kodi, wether that is with or without me. He’s a great guy and is destined for greatness. I still cannot wait to see where life takes him.
As Kodi and I are no longer together, I feel as though it is unfair on him to go into more detail then the above. He didn’t choose to share his life on the internet and I will continue to respect that. What I will say is, I don’t think this love will ever die. Friends or partners, that boy is my soul mate in some form.
Now, what I do want to talk about, is me. How I’ve handled myself and the situation. I received so many messages within minutes of sharing my breakup with the All About Annie community. Messages of love, wisdom and support. But also messages from girls who have just broken up with a long term partner, who are going through divorces, or who are unhappy in their current situation however do not have the courage to end it. This post is for you, its not for the people from my home town who I know will be reading this to be nosey and send screenshots/links to their girls in group chat (thats right, I see you). This post is too give confidence & support to those who are going through similar situations.
Unfortunately like 2 hours after we had the discussion, I had to go to work. That was SOOOO frikken hard. Like literally the worst. I have to wear makeup cos I wear in a nightclub so I piled on waterproof mascara and slathered my face in setting spray. I made it to work and then cried within 2 mins of my work bestie Sophie arriving. After that I had a few mini meltdowns where a tear or two would escape my eyes. However once we got busy it was nice to distract my mind and have to concentrate on my job. One of my bosses said I could go home but I couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting at home alone, crying and feeling sad. Although being at work was such a drag it was good to be surrounded by people.
I moved out into my parents house the next day. No matter how good your parents house is (mine is like amazing, so is their cooking) its still your parents house. After being independent for over 2 years, coming back here has been one of the hardest parts for me. I feel like a kid and like I’ve lost independence. My mum and Craig are amazing however its just not my home anymore, I feel like I lost that too when moving out from the house Kodi and I shared.
Our friends are like exactly the same. we have a few that are just individually ours, however a good bulk of our friends are all intertwined, we have already bumped into each other at a Christmas Eve party and at a festival. Given there is no bad blood we were able to talk and give each other a hug which I feel lucky to have.
Everyone likes to offer advice, however no one gets it. No matter wether they have dealt with a similar situation before. They don’t understand as every relationship is different, as is they way you deal with emotions. Im not a huge crier, I hate talking about myself and my problems. Sitting down and talking about my issues is like hell to me. Im a very closed off private person (weird considering I do this haha) so everyone trying to be Oprah is something I really struggle with. My closest friends and fam know that unless I bring it up, not to talk about it.
Ive honestly handled this situation a lot better than those around me, plus myself, ever thought I would. It has helped that we have been so busy at work since this happened, I’ve been occupied and busy so its stopped my mind from wandering. Plus it helps that we are like a big crazy family at the bar so I’ve constantly been surrounded by really good friends. I think that both of those things are so important. To keep physically and mentally busy, and to surround your self with people who have endless love for you.
Im not gonna lie, even though I’m doing great, Ive had moments. The other night the radio played like 10 breakup/heartbreak songs which stabbed me right in the feels. I turned it up as loud as it would go and sung my heart out between tears. It felt like a stupid scene in a movie but my god did it feel good to scream, sing and cry lol. I cried when I didn’t go down the turn off to my old road after work, I cried when I dropped my dog off for Kodi to look after. I haven’t dared to go through my phone and look at my photos. However I have changed his contact name in my phone and awell as the display/background photo.
The first week I lost 5kg, had no appetite, my smoking habit just about doubled and I could not sleep. My voice was extremely mono tone and expressionless. I cut my hair. I didn’t want to be alone, but also wanted nothing more than my own space. I wanted to text him every second, I refrained. I wished I had known his passwords to snoop – never ever would do or did do that to him, but it didn’t stop the feeling of wanting to look at his shit to see if he left me for someone else. My mind made up crazy scenarios in my head.
THIS IS NORMAL – IT IS OK TO FEEL CRAZY – TO GO CRAZY! YOUR LIFE HAS COMPLETLEY FLIPPED 180 – BEING NUTS IS EXPECTED!
This is what I keep telling myself overtime I let a lil emotion out. Because I normally keep my feelings hidden, I feel extra mental whenever I let my guard down and let the tears fall. I have to remind myself that my life has changed drastically. The person I thought I was born to be with is no longer a part of my every day life. & wether we are on good terms or not, there is still a mourning process I have to go through and a lot of choices I must make. I need to learn to be independent and responsible for myself again.
Haha but honestly, one of the worst things is thinking of dating??!?!?!?!? EW! I do not want to go on another first date, I do not want to explain what Endometriosis is to a clueless guy. I don’t want to have to weed through a bunch of idiots to find another Prince Charming. Ugh I honestly am dreading this stage haha.
Girls who are going through a heartbreak, I’m not gonna tell you when your gonna feel better or how to handle your situation. Im just gonna tell you that you are beautiful, you deserve the world, your couldn’t have done anything more than you did, and one day, I’m not sure when, but one day, your skip will return your step.
Lots of Love as always,