Im sorry I’ve been so MIA – as I’ve said numerous times my mental health has been taking a hammering and I’m about to touch a little on this subject. I do need to start this with a TRIGGER WARNING due to the fact that I will be speaking on the topic of my battle with weight loss and the struggle of gaining weight. If this subject is something that may push you over the edge or bring things up internally that you may struggle to process, please – stop reading now.
Some of us turn to food when things upset us, a breakup, a bad day, being fired etc. When life takes a path we weren’t expecting you jump to food to help drown your sorrows. A takeaway pizza, a tub of ice cream, Netflix and bed – what a combo!!!!
For me, i steer away from food – it becomes my worst enemy.
Its not intentional, I loose my appetite. Putting food in my mouth makes me feel literally Ill, I have to force myself to eat and even then cannot stomach a full meal. I do not know why, I have never really gone and gotten help for it. I never really realise how bad of an issue it is until it became one.
I stand 176cm tall and was weighing in at 51-52kgs. My hair was brittle and stopped growing, I would randomly get pins and needles running down my left arm – it would freak me out. I would need hours of sleep to feel well rested, I often felt like I was going to faint or fall over especially when standing up and sometimes came close to it. I started to experience body dysmorphia symptoms and my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t concentrate and just all round felt crap.
In saying all of the above, I truly didn’t think I was underweight. I thought I still looked the same, I hardly ever weighed myself and assumed my clothes where a lil baggy because of my lifestyle working late nights, I had no idea how bad it had actually gotten.
It wasn’t until a few friends mentioned some things to me that I started taking notice. I looked back at old photos of myself and wanted to cry, my beautiful plump cheeks, my quads, the light in my eyes – all were gone. I was left with legs that felt and looked like arms and everything else looked dead. I truly did look dead inside and I realised that I kind of felt it. I started comparing myself to my friends in images and in the mirror and it became apparent there was something truly wrong.
The journey of my self love path took a long time. I would have to force food in my mouth, I would force it down my throat. I couldn’t even finish half a burger in one sitting. You will probably ask how this didn’t make me realise there was something wrong earlier, but I just didn’t click. I literally would just think I’m not hungry and palm my meal off onto someone else.
Months and months of hard work it took for me to be able to eat what I use to in one sitting let alone one day. There where literal tears shed over eating food, I tried to exercise during this period of growth and I just couldn’t. It would bring me to absolute tears in the car afterwards, I felt stupid, I thought I looked it. I felt weak as I couldn’t preform like I once could.
I have cried and cried due to outfits being to baggy on me, I would look like I was drowning in a sack, however now that I am putting on weight I have also cried because I don’t look like I use too. I have spewed due to force feeding myself and I have also not in eaten in over a day (again, not intentional). I have gone through weight training trying to beef up and I have done fasted cardio in mornings for months. When you have weight issues they don’t go away and I just HATE that mine were never on purpose, I never wanted this for myself. I never wanted to be underweight. I am so scared for the next emotionally devastating moment in my life, I’m scared that I will go through the same thing because being that unhealthy isn’t something that I want for both my physical and mental state. I don’t want this battle for myself ever.
I am finally sitting at around 62kgs and I haven’t been here in a long long time but its a struggle I won’t lie.
Saying to people I have put on ten kgs and them literally laughing at me saying “oh whatever” “where would you store that” “you must have been TINYYYY before” “gosh I wish I looked that good after gaining 10kgs”, I know no one means to be rude as its something they genuinely just don’t know or understand but gosh its hard. It makes me feel ridiculous, like I’m attention seeking, lying – it just makes me feel a way that I don’t like too.
Looking in the mirror and seeing a booty again, gosh it feels great, but it’s so so hard at the same time. I know that to you all me saying ” I miss seeing that small body in the mirror” sounds out of it considering what I’ve said above, but weight gain is weight gain and I become so proud, so into the body I had so seeing this new (healthy) body can be a true struggle. Not fitting my clothes is hard, my thigh gap not being as prominent. Honestly its a full blown journey and one that I really struggle with still.
I don’t really know the point of all of this, I guess to shed light. Its also an eye opener to all of you who continuously tell people how good they look once they have lost weight, who remind people of how small they are, how skinny is they way to be. Who act so happy for those who are small, fat shaming is a bad thing and we never remind people they have gained it so why is doing the same to those who are skinny acceptable? I know for a fact continuously being praised for how small I was made it hard for me to understand that there was even anything wrong.
If you have a friend who is struggling with their weight, do not shame them, help them. Ask them if they are ok, help them get better.
Lots of love